Rollercoaster of Emotions

Rollercoaster of Emotions

“It’s hard to know where to start our story. Any sort of infertility is heartbreaking. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s unfair. You are constantly thinking, “Why me?”. Yet, that’s what makes the “highs” so high. When you receive good news, you’re winning the game. You are challenging the universe, and just for a moment, you are one step ahead. We were unsure how much we wanted to share of our story until a few months ago. Fate fell in our laps and we met two women who shared a similar situation to ours. They brought hope, light, and laughter to our lives. We hope that by sharing our story, we can help just one person know they are not alone in their fight against infertility.

Finding out that you will never be able to be pregnant at the age of 15 is pretty shocking. To be honest, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. I will never forget my mom and sister coming down into my room, crying, to confirm what we had thought after talking to the doctors. I didn’t cry. I almost didn’t feel anything at all; almost numb. My parents suggested we push it out of our minds, as I was entering high school, and we would revisit it when the right time came. And for the most part, that is what I did. I fought nightmares here and there, but for the most part, I went on with my days, being the happiest I could be.

Then I met Mr. Davies. A dashing young man in a blue suit. My friend and I argued over who got “dibs” on him (we never thought we would actually meet him) and chatted about how he was so tall, dark, and handsome. Before I knew it, we met, and fell in love. But really, it was that fast. We said I love you a week after our first kiss. I know you’re thinking we’re crazy. But, in a lot of ways, our love story was such a blessing. We fell so hard, so fast, which gave us a lot of time later to figure out the many challenges we had ahead.

The night I told Braxton that I could never have children was a blur. I couldn’t tell you one thing that I said. It was the scariest night of my life. I was so vulnerable, and there was nothing I could do about it. I explained to Braxton that I had a disorder called Mullerian Agenisis. Because of this disorder, I did not have a Uterus or Fallopian tubes. I would never be able to carry a child. I explained to him, however, that both my ovaries were alive and well. And although I could not carry a child, through IVF, a gestational carrier could carry our babies. I told him that I didn’t want a response right away. I wanted him to think through what I had said, and decide what was best for him moving forward. The next day he told me that it didn’t matter. “I love you so much,” he said, “We are in this together.” And from that moment, it changed from “my” problem to “our” problem.

I wish I could tell you that from here it was all sunshine and daisies. But unfortunately, trials take time and we are still on this rollercoaster. After being married about a year and a half, we decided that we wanted to meet with my doctor, Dr. Erica Johnstone, to talk about what the steps would be in moving forward to start a family. She explained that we would need to go through the IVF process to create embryos, using my eggs and Braxton’s sperm. The babies would be 100% genetically ours, they just needed someone to carry them as they grew. We decided to wait a few months, and start the IVF process in the spring of 2017.

After talking with family, it was suggested that Braxton’s mom carry a baby for us. At first, I couldn’t say yes. I had such a hard time putting someone I loved so much through, what I thought was, such a burden. But being the angel that she is, she insisted that she wanted to do this for us. Soon after, we agreed. From there, we couldn’t help it, we got our hopes up! Things were going to work out. We were going to have a family. A sweet little baby! A few weeks later Braxton’s mom went in for a check-up to confirm that she was a viable candidate to be our gestational carrier. That day we discovered that due to a past complication during delivery, she would not be able to carry for us. I think up to this point, this was one of the most devastating days. That day we learned that hope, when let down, is utterly devastating. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to move forward. I wanted to run away, and stay away forever. But Braxton, being the positive polly that he is, insisted that we move forward and meet with a lawyer in SLC who specialized in surrogacy, and gestational carriers.

After meeting with the lawyer, we felt even more hopeless. He explained that in Utah, there was a very uneven ratio of intended parents (us) to gestational carriers. He told us that it could take years to find someone, match with them, and have the pregnancy go through. He suggested that we fill out a questionnaire that his agency uses to match intended parents with their carrier, and basically hope and pray for the best. And that is what we did.

A few days later, Braxton sent me a text saying that he had gotten a really good email from the lawyer. So vague, right? And he promised he would wait for me to get home before he opened it. Yet, when I got home, he was grinning from ear to ear and I knew he had not waited for me to read the email. He then explained to me that the lawyer had said that he had found a possible match for us. THREE DAYS AFTER OUR MEETING. That night was spent in a rotation of crying, and jumping on our bed, giggling like five year olds. After we settled down, together we began to read the questionnaire of the woman the lawyer felt like we would match with. And she was PERFECT. We had finally caught a break. We quickly told our lawyer that we felt that she was also a good match. From that moment on, the wheels began to turn.

The next seven months were LONG. We went through IVF; with that came a broken hand and surgery five days before our egg retrieval. (insert about a million eye roll emojis). You can imagine how lovely I was with a broken hand, and pumped full of hormones. I love you sooooo much Braxton. During those seven months, we were able to meet our sweet gestational carrier. I don’t have words for her. I will never be able to explain how much her sacrifice means to us. She is changing our life in a way that no one else can. At the end of those seven months, in November of 2017, we were able to transfer two embryos. It’s funny. At the transfer, I know they weren’t our sweet babies yet, but when I saw them, I can’t explain to you the amount of love I had for them. They were so tiny and perfect. But most importantly, they were OURS.

Twelve days after the transfer, we got the news that we were going to be parents!!!!!!!!!! November 25th. A day I will remember forever. It was so special for us, to finally see our dreams coming true. Then, to find out a few weeks later that it was TWINS. (Twins is a story for another day because… Well, oh boy. Bring it on!) Life was amazing!

This journey is one that has changed my life forever. It was hard. It was ugly. There were and still are tears, both happy and sad. But in the end, this journey has shaped me into the person I am today. I joke that I am constantly in a cycle of the five stages of grief. I am angry. Why did this happen to me? Why will I never get to feel the flutter of a baby inside me? Why will I never get to give birth to my own child? I may never know the answers to those questions, but I do know that God has a plan for me. I have come to the realization that if I do what I am asked, and humble myself, that I will get to experience one of God’s greatest gifts. I will get to be a mother, maybe not in the traditional way. But I will get to hold my child. I will watch them run, play, and grow to be the amazing people I want them to be. If you are experiencing any sort of infertility, know that you are not alone. It is a battle, and there is a loving army right there with you; fighting, and fighting hard so that one day, we can all be mothers, someway somehow.”

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