Experience With Miscarriage

My Experience With Miscarriage.

Since I was a little girl all I have ever dreamt of is being a mom, I wanted to have a baby between the age of 18-22 just like my mom. I never thought my first pregnancy would be before that though.

I was a junior in high school when I had my first pregnancy, I was just getting out of a bad relationship, and I had no clue I was pregnant. In February 2016 I decided to go to Planned Parenthood to get a pregnancy test, I kept saying there was no possibility that I could be pregnant, I had been bleeding that morning and had cramps. I was hoping I wasn’t. It was the wrong time, with the wrong person, and under the worst circumstances. I sat waiting for my results, alone, the father didn’t know and my mom, the person I went to for everything, didn’t know either. I wasn’t ready to hear what the doctor had to say because at this point I was convinced that I was since it was taking so long, but the doctor had an answer I was not expecting. I was about 5 weeks pregnant and I had miscarried. In that moment I had a sigh of relief, I wasn’t ready for a baby and the father was not the right person for me, I told myself that somehow God knew. Although, once the doctor told me, “This happened due to your weight and it could happen again in the future if you are still underweight.”, I broke down. I was under 100 pounds at the time, I have been underweight my entire life, what if that never changes? I was heart broken. I told the father, but I didn’t tell the one person I wanted to tell the most, my mom. I did a pretty good job at hiding this big secret that was killing me. I now look back and really wish I would have told her because I needed someone to help me get through this loss. I was no longer with the father and my friends didn’t know how to help. I went to my high school counselor everyday for about two weeks, instead of class. She kept trying to encourage me to tell my mom or asked if I wanted her to come in with me, but I never did listen. I lived with this secret until my second miscarriage. My heart still hurts some days, but I know now that God knew, it was the wrong time and with the wrong person.

I was a senior in high school when I had my second pregnancy, Taylor and I had been dating for a year, we had met a couple weeks after my first miscarriage. In March 2017 I had a feeling that I was pregnant, my period had been irregular and I hadn’t been taking my birth control. I took three at home pregnancy tests, two were positive and one was negative. I thought that was weird and was still unsure so I went back to Planned Parenthood, because at that time I didn’t know I could go to my regular OB-GYN. Taylor was working and couldn’t go with me so I went by myself again, still hadn’t told my mom. I figured since there was one negative test and that I had some spotting that I wasn’t pregnant, so I wasn’t too worried about the results. Although here I was again, listening to the doctor tell me that once again, I had miscarried. This time I didn’t have that sigh of relief though, I had fallen in love with Taylor and we had talked about getting married and starting a family after high school. Even though I wasn’t out of high school yet, I figured this time it would have been okay because it was with the right person. I was heart broken. I sat and listened to the doctor tell me that this time she believed that I will NEVER be able to have a baby. I was 18, it was my second pregnancy and second miscarriage, I was just told I would NEVER be able to have a baby all because of my weight; my body couldn’t handle taking care of a baby. My one dream I had since I was a little girl was ripped away from me, I had just lost a second baby. I told Taylor and it was time I told my mom the secret I had been keeping from her. This second loss was much harder than the first, even though I had the support of my mom and Taylor. I mourned this loss and my first loss for a long time. I will always carry that pain with me, some days I think about it more than others but I don’t let it bring me down like it did at first.

After I graduated high school in June 2017, I decided to finally go to my regular OB-GYN and begin taking prenatal vitamins to help my body so that I could prove that doctor wrong who told me I would never have a baby. I stopped taking birth control and was hoping that eventually, when God knew Taylor and I were ready that he would give us a rainbow baby. In July 2017, he did. We found out I was pregnant for the third time, this time with a healthy baby girl. I worried my entire pregnancy, I was on top of my prenatal care and I had a million & one questions for the doctor. I couldn’t let anything happen to this baby. During the last ten weeks of this pregnancy, I have been an emotional mess though. When we had our first trip to the hospital and her heart rate dropped, I kept going back to the pain I had felt when I lost my first two babies, I never wanted to be taken off monitors because I wanted to know what was going on at all times. When the doctor put me on NST twice a week, those were my happiest and most stressful days. I would worry before every session of monitoring but then once I heard her heart beat and felt her kicks I would fill with happiness. I knew my baby would be okay. Baby and mama are both doing good during this last week of my pregnancy, I am so ready to hold my rainbow baby and watch my dreams of becoming a mom come true.