I was 27 years old and ready to start a family with my husband. After a few months I experienced a chemical pregnancy and I was a little confused about what that meant. I started to realize that this journey to pregnancy may not be easy. You’re never told that growing up.
So we continued trying, a few months went by and I was pregnant. We celebrated with caution but as weeks passed and I felt the intensity of early pregnancy (sick day and night) I let myself feel safe. The day our lives changed began innocently enough, we went for a walk, we enjoyed a morning of talking about the baby and the possibilities of things to come. We were home 20 minutes when I started bleeding. My heart sank and I knew; despite the reassurance from my husband and mom that bleeding is common in early pregnancy. By the next day the bleeding was heavy and the pain kept me from standing straight. We spent the night in emerge waiting…waiting to hear that nothing could be done and sent home.
What I didn’t know was that the bleeding could last for weeks or that I’d experience contractions so painful I would be bedridden. I wasn’t prepared for what I would pass. I let out a shriek when I saw it. I didn’t know any of this. And there was no way of knowing the grief that was to come. I was empty. In every sense of the word. We will never get to hold our child in our arms. I wasn’t prepared for that reality and that pain.
None of this was ever talked about so everything was a shock to me. After months of living in my own mind and losing myself to grief I opened up and shared my story. It was the best decision to let the healing begin as I learned that I am not alone and I shouldn’t feel ashamed, that there is so much love and support from people who have a similar experience and my child got to be celebrated as they should be. I’ve since become very open about my story so that anyone in my life that, God forbid, has to experience loss knows from the start that they are not alone.
We are lucky enough to have our sweet rainbow baby here with us and she just turned one!