“TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ “I’m so tired, just do it”. Those were my last words before the doctors told me they needed my consent to perform a c-section after I felt like my body failed me. I was in labour for 23 hours. The baby’s heart rate took a deep dive when they decided to boost me with some oxytocin (twice). Baby was in a less the optimal position (sunnyside up) and we tried for hours with me in various positions to rotate him. When the doctors changed shifts, the new one checked me and said “ok you’re 5cm, it’s been 22 hours and your cervix is started to swell”. Not surprised after having about 7 exams by this point. “C-section it is, sign here.”
I can’t even express my disappointment and how scared I was,not to be cut open but because I knew I was going to have to recover so much more with a new born and have to heal so much more. I know 1/3 births result this way, but how could it happen to me?! I knew I was going to have to rely of my partner 100% and we both had no idea what we were doing. I knew I had to be flexible with my “birth plan” and part of me just had a feeling it was going to happen exactly how it did. I still didn’t understand what a toll it was going to have on me mentally and had no idea I was going to feel such a huge sense of failure.
I’m smiling in this photo but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I’m so happy to see my baby but I’m playing over the last 24 hours in my head thinking this is somehow my fault. They wanted to hand me my baby when I was in recovery right away, not a chance. I would have dropped him. I was so happy to see him, but so confused as to why this couldn’t happen the “normal” way for me like it did with my sisters and my mom. This is the first c-section of the family. Why me? I couldn’t understand why I was so sad and angry when I finally got home. People think it makes me feel better to say “it’s ok he got here safely.” Well ya because of doctors and nurses, not because of me. Before asking a new mom “so when’s the next one?” Be gentle, because I’m still and will be angry and sad about my birth experience for who knows how long – no matter how much I love my son.”
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