“Wouldn’t have changed having a baby during this pandemic for anything in the world because then it wouldn’t have been you, Baby Oaks. This undivided quality time together has almost been a gift in disguise. For us to figure it out as a family and everything we went through—the kids especially. Arrow has been disconnected to me (so sad only wants dad…But I’ll win him back) and Harlow is just so insightful that she’s been having her moments of “what the heck has been going on”. It’s a lot for the kids. On top of me leaving for weeks and not seeing their friends or doing their normal life and then adding a new baby to it all. But then, to be able to sit skin to skin for hours on end, no agenda to report to, no plans to keep, no where to be, no one to see. Just be us. I always value slow living but especially now. But then a part of me is mad. My girlfriends should be here. Our families should be able to hold him.
I have a lot of healing to do, from the inside out. Grieving some things, physically healing, emotionally healing. I spent a lot of the last 20 weeks worrying. Feeling frustrated. Mad about having a c section because I knew I couldn’t be “normal” for my kids when they first saw me. The pain of the c section ran deeper than physical. It’s that I couldn’t come home and run around on my hands and knees like my kids were missing so badly. I can’t tend to them and do all they are used to. I had to process everyone else seeing and holding my baby before I got to. I literally have moments where I’m like what on earth went down and moments of I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. But all I know is that you are so worth it Oaks and we will figure it out. Harlow is napping with dad (seriously protesting sleep), Arrow is napping and Oaks and I are doing a lot of this. These are the best days of my life and I’m not going to forget it. Each second here now is something I dreamed of for so long so I’m just going to soak it all up. The good + the bad. Just a little update to let you know we are equally surviving as we are thriving.”