Today I should be 9weeks1day pregnant. Today I should be ordering the cute announcement shirts for the family, planning our photos and anticipating our NIPT test. Instead I’m cramping, bleeding, and healing.
The past several weeks have been a roller coaster. I took a half dozen tests beginning the day of my MMP and I anticipated a pregnancy. Half had faint positives, half were negative. My doctor first told me I wasn’t pregnant, when I knew I was. Then my HCG levels climbed and climbed. More tests became strongly positive. Then my first ultrasound measured behind, “You’re either miscarrying or you ovulated late. Don’t panic.” HCG levels continued to climb, symptoms came on intensely, tests grew even stronger. Then, I started bleeding on 9/17. The bleeding got heavier and brighter red in 24 hours. On 9/18 my doctor confirmed I was miscarrying.
I wasn’t optimistic for much of the past few weeks, but I never stopped being a mama. I was fiercely protective and already madly in love, just dreaming of what our lives would become with baby 2.
I am not 100% but I am okay. I’ve been sad, angry, disappointed, but I am okay. I am okay because I know my body isn’t flawed. The hardest part is that the constant ache in my uterus and back just serves as a reminder of the life I lost. It kept me up all night last night as I just felt my body do it’s thing to release.
But I also have total confidence in my body. I know it did what was necessary for this baby and for me, even if I don’t totally understand it right now.
I share this because so many women struggle in silence. I want to send love and hope to all of the rainbow mamas out there. This is the hardest thing we endure. But we will not be defeated. We may cry, roar and bleed, but we carry on. We survive. You will survive.
You are not alone.💙🌈”