“This is real life postpartum. Selah was all of seven days old. I was recovering from major surgery, my nipples were cracked and bleeding because of her lip and tongue ties, I was famished, and I had slept maybe all of 2 hours combined in the night. In the 30 seconds it took my husband to hand me my bowl of oatmeal and go back to grab me a glass of water, I had passed out cold. I remember those nights in the first few weeks – counting down the hours until the morning came because the sunlight would help me stay awake. Crying at 3 AM when my husband would bring her to me from her bassinet, which I was still too sore after my c-section to lift her from because my boobs hurt so bad when I fed her. While also crying while singing her to sleep and reading her books I had read her in my womb the entire pregnancy.
I remember recounting my pregnancy to her one night and telling her how much she was wanted by her daddy and I and crying (again) because it was healing trauma from my own adoption wounds as I loved on this baby and let her know she would never be abandoned.
I didn’t want her out of my sight those first few months because I had this weird, irrational fear that I would have to give her back. To whom, I don’t know, but it was so anxiety provoking. At the same time, it was crazy to think that you literally walk out of the hospital after 2 days with this tiny human in tow that you are entrusted to care for and raise and you’re supposed to know how to do it all. Spoiler alert, you won’t know it all no matter how many books you read, but you’ll learn over time. You’ll find your rhythm.
I know there are a hundred things that could be pointed out as “wrong” in this photo, but it’s just the reality of newborn life. It’s not easy. The fourth trimester is hard. But as I look back on those first few months I can’t help but wish they had lasted a little longer because she’s growing so fast right before my eyes.”