For 6 months I was just surviving…
Those closest to me know, after I had Finn, I was 100% certain I didn’t want another child.
Growing up I was the girl who dreamed of being pregnant and having 5 kids as soon as I could!
When I met my husband, It was ON!! I couldn’t wait to start our family. 5 months before our wedding day, we were expecting. My pregnancy wasn’t easy, by any means, but NOTHING could have prepared me for what postpartum life would bring. I grew up with a mother who spoke of pregnancy like it was the most magical, beautiful time of her life! I had never even thought about postpartum life.
I was induced at 36 weeks when I developed preeclampsia and was pumped full of medication. I wasn’t able to get up at all while I was laboring, and couldn’t walk for 2 more days. I remember coming home from the hospital 3 days after giving birth at 11 at night, and proceeded to clean my house. After, I walked into the baby’s nursery where my husband was standing with our newborn son and felt the most overwhelming flood of emotions. It felt like Blake had just died. It wasn’t logical and I cried and cried and held onto him, but in my heart and mind he wasn’t there. He died. I will never ever forget how terrified and devastated I felt that night. I wanted to go back in time and not have a baby. I felt completely detached from my body and my mind. I remember thinking, “I’m not ok! How am I at home right now?! I’m not well!” My blood pressure on the day I was induced was 187/102 , I had been pumped full of meds, unable to walk for 3 days, gave birth after growing my son for 9 months, boobs engorged, leaking milk, and I was bleeding! How on earth was I sent home and expected to keep this tiny human, who was completely dependent on ME, alive?!
The following days were a blur. Blake returned to work the very next day. I was alone. 2 weeks later I was back in the hospital with dangerously high blood pressure, and stayed for almost a week. It wasn’t until 6 months later I came to the very scary realization I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety.
Nobody talked about how terrifying postpartum life could be! The visions of a car coming through your home and killing your sleeping baby. Nobody ever talked about coming home from the hospital and feeling completely detached from their body! Nobody talked about coming home after giving birth and not wanting their child! It breaks my heart to say that, but that’s exactly how I felt that first night home. I didn’t recognize the body I was in or who the hell I was.
Breastfeeding was a horrible nightmare of pain mixed with on the verge vomiting every single time my baby latched. It wasn’t until I stopped nursing at 6 months that I felt my hormones settle down. It was as if the dark cloud had lifted and I could finally fall in love with my baby and being his mother.
I share this not to scare anyone, but to share with you MY experience. This doesn’t happen to every new mother but it does happen and I want people to know that. I want people to be aware.
My transformation into motherhood was extraordinary, it was dark and so beautiful. I don’t question who I am anymore, or what I’m capable of. Motherhood has truly been my greatest accomplishment and my greatest gift!
Thank you for reading ♥️